‘It’s only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.” Steve Jobs

Something has shifted and I’ve got to say, I’m liking it. I’ve been saying 'no' so much more than I used to. 

And like everything I practice. I’m getting better. I’m saying no to business opportunities that just don’t feel right, no to the tempting (but relentless) training opportunities, no to an overfull diary, no to full weekends. 

I said no to New Year’s Eve. Thank you, that’s kind but…no. Just not my thing – not this year anyway. I was in bed by 10 with a decaf. Bliss!

Of course, sometimes there is an obligation or responsibility. Like everyone, there are parts of my job that I endure, rather than relish. I’m not going to miss a dear friend’s birthday because I’d rather watch Bridgerton. And there can be empathy and kindness in the message even if it is a no.

But in a world where we are bombarded with demands for our time and attention, the ability to say no is more important than ever before. It’s about having boundaries – does everyone else determine how you live your life, or do you get to choose? Saying 'yes' to you often means saying 'no' to something or someone else.

It’s always an interesting topic for a coaching conversation. Saying no can take a lot more courage than yes. No to a new role that’s just not right. Or an unnecessary meeting. Or a promotion that may seem like a win but feels like a loss. 

It can be tempting to grasp everything that comes our way but ultimately what you say ‘no’ to is as big a determinant of your future, as what you say ‘yes’ to. In life and work.

What do you say no to?

What's it going to take?

I get it. You've lost your job. Or your role is about to be made redundant. Or you're ready to move on. It's big.

Career transition is one of my specialities - and most people I support through this stage are juggling fear and anxiety with a dash of hope and excitement. It can be a wild (and challenging) ride. Confidence highs and lows, concerns about money, uncertainty about the future, lots of growth and learning. A whole new approach to career management.

And I often sense some surprise when I ask one of my favourite questions. "What needs to happen now for you to look back on this period (in the future), and see this transition as one of the best things that could have happened?"

It can be a challenging question when you're stuck in the reality of the 'now'. But honestly it's so important to have space to figure out what 'great' could look like. And to be calm, strategic, wise and courageous so that you move forward in a way that turns the situation into a win.

And if you're in the eye of the storm, you may be encouraged to know that (in my experience anyway) the vast majority of people do end up looking back on it as a positive.

Last weekend I cried (a lot).

It was my first training session at the beach for a challenge that I’ve signed up for – The Can Too 1km ocean swim. 

And so last Saturday I turned up - and fell apart. My reaction blindsided me to be honest. After all, I’m not scared of the sea – I grew up in Sydney. But then again, I only ever go up to my waist. And I’m not a strong swimmer – never have been. But still, I was crying even before I got my toes wet. Everyone was so kind but…it was kind of embarrassing. Let’s not even visit what happened when I went in the water. It felt totally irrational.

And then I remembered. This is what getting out of my comfort zone looks like for me. Physical challenges are my Achilles’ heel. The fear, the anxiety, and the feelings of panic – they’re stretching, strengthening, and evolving me.

As a coach, I consistently work with clients to embrace the discomfort that comes with growth. It’s been a while for me. But it’s time to walk the talk (again).

What I know for sure is that when you do something that you never thought you could, you change the way you see yourself. And that is powerful. And wholly worthwhile. Even if it’s hard.

memento vivere

P.S If you would like to donate a small amount to fund cancer research and support (my attempts) to swim, the link is below:
https://www.cantoo.org.au/fundraisers/tesseveringham

One of my favourite tasks...

...is to collate the comments and scores on the evaluation forms after a workshop.

It's not an ego thing (at least I don't think it is!).

Facilitating workshops is truly purposeful work for me and it fills me with joy when I feel I've made a positive difference or inspired someone to take action or feel empowered to face change.

This workshop 'manage stress and build resilience' is so timely as we face uncertain and sometimes challenging times.

If you see it, you can be it

I've absolutely devoured the 'Wiser than me' podcast by Julia Louis Dreyfus (link in comments). Wondering why we don't hear from more older women, she interviews greats like Carol Burnett, Isabelle Allende, Fran Lebowitz, Diane von Furstenburg, Amy Tan and Jane Fonda. The interviews are funny and wise and thoroughly entertaining.

Learning from, and listening to, these gutsy, unconventional, smart, strong, flourishing women has me inspired and seeing the future Tess through a different lens. If they can live their lives with such courage and energy at 75 or 80 or 90, then so can I. If you see it - you can be it.

Towards the end of each interview, she asks a couple of questions.

What would you tell your 20 year old self?
What would you go back and say yes to?

How would you answer?

Pick your poison

Nothing is perfect. No person or relationship, no house or dwelling, no system or organisation and certainly no job. When you enter a new role (or commit to a new relationship or buy a new house) you’re probably unaware of the irritations, imperfections and flaws you will inevitably encounter.

Ultimately your ongoing commitment (and whether you stay or leave) will depend on whether you can live and work (contentedly) with (or despite) these flaws.

If your work leaves you feeling ignored, undervalued, or abused

If your personal or professional growth is blocked

If you have no energy, purpose, or motivation

If you’ve been unhappy, resentful or angry for a while now

Well then if might be time to reflect on whether the particular brand of poison you’re drinking is lethal. It may be killing your spirit. That’s a price that could be too high to pay.

Keeping it real

My favourite type of networking is easy, fun and involves interesting conversations with no (transactional) agenda. The kind where you just turn up as yourself and no one is doing a hard pitch.

That’s just what I got this week at Collabor8 Women’s lovely dinner at ESQ in the city. A big thank you to the talented and divine Karen Eck and Samantha Theron who brought us all together and are the masterminds behind this great organisation.

"The only way to do great work is to love what you do" Steve Jobs

I love facilitating workshops and (for me) this week's absolute highlight was my workshop for MBA candidates and alumni at The University of Sydney Business School

Full disclosure - I forgot to take a photo (this is more indicative of the occasion than the actual occasion!)

I am grateful for the generous feedback and comments which included:

"her delivery method was great! It kept me very attentive, and I enjoyed every minute of it. It didn’t feel like 2 hours"
"Tess was extremely engaging, honest and thought provoking"
"makes everyone feel like part of the conversation
"love the energy"
"great energy, great involvement of people"

"very inspiring”