So many people I coach are at some kind of crossroads

Usually, they seek me out because they want something different from what they currently have.  Acceleration in their career, a different way of leading (or being led), more purpose or balance, a new role. They have energy around that change, and they are ready to do something about it. And of course, sometimes change is thrust upon them.

Of course we explore options. As a coach it is my job to ask great questions and give space for reflection and clarity.

But still, sometimes there is still uncertainty about which direction to take.

And then I pull out a question that someone once asked me when I was at a crossroads:

“Which direction would make the most interesting story?”

I love this reframe. It worked for me. I imagined myself, 20 years from now, telling someone I love, all about my life (and its meaning). What story would I rather be telling?

And it gives my clients a slightly different lens – a bigger perspective – on the decisions they make and the impact on their own life story.

Anyone who knows me, will know that I love a good speech

The words below - by Pulitzer Prize winning columnist, journalist and author Anna Quindlan - are so inspirational to me. Full transcript in comments.

“...nothing important, or meaningful, or beautiful, or interesting, or great ever came out of imitations. The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.
 
"This is more difficult, because there is no zeitgeist to read, no template to follow, no mask to wear. Set aside what your friends expect, what your parents demand, what your acquaintances require. Set aside the messages this culture sends, through its advertising, its entertainment, its disdain and its disapproval, about how you should behave.
 
"Set aside the old traditional notion of female as nurturer and male as leader; set aside, too, the new traditional notions of female as superwoman and male as oppressor. Begin with that most terrifying of all things, a clean slate. Then look, every day, at the choices you are making, and when you ask yourself why you are making them, find this answer: for me, for me. Because they are who and what I am, and mean to be.

"This will always be your struggle whether you are twenty-one or fifty-one. I know this from experience. When I quit the New York Times to be a full-time mother, the voices of the world said that I was nuts. When I quit it again to be a full-time novelist, they said I was nuts again. But I am not nuts. I am happy. I am successful on my own terms. Because if your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all.”

https://jamesclear.com/great-speeches/1999-mount-holyoke-commencement-speech-by-anna-quindlen

Times are a changing (I think)

There is so much to love about this unexpected cover of Vogue. Miuccia Prada at 74. Minimal makeup and no obvious attempts to portray herself as younger than her age. Sure – attractive – but in an unconventional way.

I find it so modern.

She strikes me as vibrant, smart, aspirational, and very cool.

Other the other hand below (in comments) is a highly airbrushed image of Debbie Harry with the banner “still rocking it at 78”. Suddenly it seems so out of kilter with the zeitgeist - inauthentic and irrelevant.

It’s all about authenticity and brand – how do you want to be seen and why?

Networking or not?

You can see I didn’t know this shot was being taken (not my favourite photo of me!). You can also see I’m engaged and happy. It was a great conversation.

Because it’s not just networking – it’s connection.

The great thing about a conversation is that you never really know where it will take you. I love the opportunity for honest, open, often fun – and occasionally vulnerable – conversations wherever I find them.

Most of my coaching clients who are resistant to networking (and that’s most of my clients!) can’t handle the opportunistic subtext of traditional networking.

I get it. I think transactional “what can I get out of you” networking is uncomfortable, short sighted and ultimately ineffective.

Alternatively, if you focus on connection, understanding, friendship, exchanging ideas, laughter and support…well then, you’re creating a relationship. Something real, sustainable and enriching.

So should you network? Absolutely. It will supercharge your career on so many levels. But it will only really work if you do it for another reason. To enrich your life.

Intentionality around cultivating a professional tribe is everything – and something truly worthy of your time.

‘It’s only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.” Steve Jobs

Something has shifted and I’ve got to say, I’m liking it. I’ve been saying 'no' so much more than I used to. 

And like everything I practice. I’m getting better. I’m saying no to business opportunities that just don’t feel right, no to the tempting (but relentless) training opportunities, no to an overfull diary, no to full weekends. 

I said no to New Year’s Eve. Thank you, that’s kind but…no. Just not my thing – not this year anyway. I was in bed by 10 with a decaf. Bliss!

Of course, sometimes there is an obligation or responsibility. Like everyone, there are parts of my job that I endure, rather than relish. I’m not going to miss a dear friend’s birthday because I’d rather watch Bridgerton. And there can be empathy and kindness in the message even if it is a no.

But in a world where we are bombarded with demands for our time and attention, the ability to say no is more important than ever before. It’s about having boundaries – does everyone else determine how you live your life, or do you get to choose? Saying 'yes' to you often means saying 'no' to something or someone else.

It’s always an interesting topic for a coaching conversation. Saying no can take a lot more courage than yes. No to a new role that’s just not right. Or an unnecessary meeting. Or a promotion that may seem like a win but feels like a loss. 

It can be tempting to grasp everything that comes our way but ultimately what you say ‘no’ to is as big a determinant of your future, as what you say ‘yes’ to. In life and work.

What do you say no to?

What's it going to take?

I get it. You've lost your job. Or your role is about to be made redundant. Or you're ready to move on. It's big.

Career transition is one of my specialities - and most people I support through this stage are juggling fear and anxiety with a dash of hope and excitement. It can be a wild (and challenging) ride. Confidence highs and lows, concerns about money, uncertainty about the future, lots of growth and learning. A whole new approach to career management.

And I often sense some surprise when I ask one of my favourite questions. "What needs to happen now for you to look back on this period (in the future), and see this transition as one of the best things that could have happened?"

It can be a challenging question when you're stuck in the reality of the 'now'. But honestly it's so important to have space to figure out what 'great' could look like. And to be calm, strategic, wise and courageous so that you move forward in a way that turns the situation into a win.

And if you're in the eye of the storm, you may be encouraged to know that (in my experience anyway) the vast majority of people do end up looking back on it as a positive.

Last weekend I cried (a lot).

It was my first training session at the beach for a challenge that I’ve signed up for – The Can Too 1km ocean swim. 

And so last Saturday I turned up - and fell apart. My reaction blindsided me to be honest. After all, I’m not scared of the sea – I grew up in Sydney. But then again, I only ever go up to my waist. And I’m not a strong swimmer – never have been. But still, I was crying even before I got my toes wet. Everyone was so kind but…it was kind of embarrassing. Let’s not even visit what happened when I went in the water. It felt totally irrational.

And then I remembered. This is what getting out of my comfort zone looks like for me. Physical challenges are my Achilles’ heel. The fear, the anxiety, and the feelings of panic – they’re stretching, strengthening, and evolving me.

As a coach, I consistently work with clients to embrace the discomfort that comes with growth. It’s been a while for me. But it’s time to walk the talk (again).

What I know for sure is that when you do something that you never thought you could, you change the way you see yourself. And that is powerful. And wholly worthwhile. Even if it’s hard.

memento vivere

P.S If you would like to donate a small amount to fund cancer research and support (my attempts) to swim, the link is below:
https://www.cantoo.org.au/fundraisers/tesseveringham

One of my favourite tasks...

...is to collate the comments and scores on the evaluation forms after a workshop.

It's not an ego thing (at least I don't think it is!).

Facilitating workshops is truly purposeful work for me and it fills me with joy when I feel I've made a positive difference or inspired someone to take action or feel empowered to face change.

This workshop 'manage stress and build resilience' is so timely as we face uncertain and sometimes challenging times.